The ability to resolve conflict is a key life skill, because 1) we live in an social-economic, inter-dependent society where conflicts will arise due to mutually exclusive and competing goals, and 2) we must know how to resolve them peacefully so that both sides are satisfied and the relationship is preserved.
A conflict can arise between anyone: strangers, acquaintances, friends, and even family. We can’t always sidestep conflict, we need to meet it head-on. If conflict can arise even from simple transactions, imagine the potential for conflict in complex transactions. Resolving conflicts requires time and emotional turmoil to resolve, but it is a price that must be paid, especially if the relationship is important, and even it isn’t, we must resolve conflict to live well with our fellow travelers.
As we mature and develop our sense of responsibility for ourselves and our world, we are better able to interact with others in ways the minimize the sources of conflict. We are able to help others get what they want without sacrificing our own needs to do so. The less ego we bring to encounters with other people, the less likely we are to allow our toxic self to get hooked into combative encounters. The more at peace we are with ourself, the more we begin to extend a hand of friendship to others and to take on the burdens of others to help them enjoy a better life. With maturity, we engage in fewer disputes with others. Since it takes two people to have a dispute, incidents that might have engaged two people in a disagreement, you are able to direct the engagement in non-threatening ways and to resolve disputes before then happen. The key to maturity is the ability to live and let live, to assume responsibility for everything in front of you, and to assume the role of a goodwill ambassador to all you meet. People with high mature do not have conflict or disputes with other people as the conditions for disagreement never raise, and if they do, potential trouble is quickly dispensed.
A conflict can be handled in one of two ways: 1) out-of-control arguing and fighting or 2) staying in control and discussing and resolving the disagreement with a disciplined process. The approach depends on the emotional state of the two parties. At least one party must remain in emotional control to lead the conflict through a dispute resolution process.
Conflict is best resolved by working together, collaborative, on the same side to find a set of exchanges that each can offer the other so that the needs, issues, and disagreements behind the conflict can be resolved in a way that both sides are not worse off than before and ideally, both are better off. Creativity and innovative thinking is key to developing options for mutual gain and satisfy each side’s needs in the disagreement. The best solutions are those that are easy for each side to give and important when received by the other side.
When a conflict is resolved, both sides are likely to experience significant relief. Even if they didn’t get all that they wanted, they believe that the end results was a fair and equitable way to get beyond the disagreement. As a result, they are able to move on with their life, feel good about their conduct in the resolution, bear no grudge against the other side, and more importantly, they have grown in maturity so that they are less susceptible to future conflict.
I use the terms conflict, dispute, and disagreement almost interchangeably in this book. Some authors define disagreement as a mild differing of opinion, dispute as a recurring condition of disagreement between people in a fixed relationships, and conflict as a severe contest of wills over some fundamental issue, incident, or situation that is not easily resolved. Sometimes, the preservation of relationships is important are sometimes not. I am not that disciplined in my usage, and use these words interchangeable simply because I prefer the variety of language.
Most disputes are small, but they are frequent enough that entire professions are devoted to handling them, witness the police enforcement, court and legal system, mediators, arbitrators, counselors, therapists, diplomats, public relations, governments, etc. Wherever there are people, all transactions - social and economic contracts - between them need to be regulated and managed. The purpose is to allow people to interact in ways that are mutually beneficial for all. In most cases, people are able to do this successfully 99% of the time. The other 1% end up in some sort of disagreement that needs to be resolved. Again, 90% of these disputes are resolved by the participants themselves. The other 10% of the disputes need rules and interventions by third parties to help settle the matter. Although the number of disputes is an extremely small fraction of all interacts between people, the number of transactions the average person experiences is a single day is huge. So, the number of disputes that pop up each day is large. Hence, the number of institutions devoted to resolving disputes is widespread.
Some disputes are never settled peacefully, and many people go to their graves will malice in their hearts against others. Some feuds pass from generation to generation. Disputes between countries are often break out into all out war, or running gunfights that seem to endure for centuries. The ultimate victor in a dispute that turns ugly is the strongest who is best able to endure or the last survivor of the struggle. Armed struggle is the least preferable way to manage conflict. Sometime, it is the only way, because a solution has not been found that satisfies both sides. Whether a dispute is large or small, if they are going to be settled peacefully, then they are all settled in the same way...by a dispute resolution process.
The better the dispute resolution process, the more skilled the people in implementing it, and the more mature the people representing each side, the greater the odds of success. This book will address each of the three critical success factors that are essential to resolving disputes. Chapters are devoted each of these three critical success factors: 1) the dispute resolution process, 2) how-to skills for developing options for mutual gain, negotiating & persuading, and developing an enforceable and implementable agreement, and 3) the development of maturity so that people are less susceptible to getting into intractable disagreements in the first place.
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