Conflict

| Conflict | Transformative Mediation | Destructive Conflict |

The Origins of Conflict

All species complete for survival. Some members of the same species band together for joint survival benefits against the elements, other species, and their own species. Wherever there is completion for survival, there will be disputes. Most non-human species settle their disputes by the natural law - survival of the fittest and/or the strongest dominates.

The human species was just like all the other species in our early years. Humans have evolved and become much more civilized since our earlier beginnings. Yet, humans can be quite bloodthirsty when the occasion calls for it. Conflict is built into our genes, because humans are after all, part of the animal species. However, many allege that we are also partly molded after God, our creator, and that we have a divine spirit within us that shuns discord and seeks peace and harmony with all of God’s creation.

The chief cause of conflict, disagreements, discord, disputes are other people.

Whenever people come together in some sort of relationship, there will be differences that must be accommodated. People differ in beliefs and expectations, motives and goals, as well as behaviors and mannerisms. When people come into contact with each other, there will be similarities and differences. Our similarities attract us, and our differences repel us. Most of our differences are irrelevant in the situation or the moment of our closeness. The rest of our differences can be tolerated…no needs to change except to work with a cooperative spirit. However, sometimes our differences cause us to become frustrated in the pursuit of our goals. These differences cause be the cause of disputes and conflicts. When this happens, the differences must be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction so that they can continue working and socializing together in harmony. The purpose of this handbook is to help people resolve disagreements that are thwarting from getting the most out a relationship.

One obvious solution to irreconcilable differences is to separate, “part company” or spend less time working together and to find others who are more compatible to form a relationship with. Life often does not permit such a luxury. People who find themselves in family or business situation must find ways to account for each other’s differences.

Most of the time people who disagree are able to work out a compromise so that they can continue to work/socialize together with greater harmony. A compromise means that each side must adjust some portion of the differences that are encumbering a smooth relationship. This means that each party must make some changes in their normal behavior patterns so as to eliminate the sources of conflict. In any adjustment, the extreme conditions are that one party or another makes all the changes to eliminate the sources of conflict. A fairer resolution would suggest that each party to a disagreement change whatever is the easiest for them to change. The hard changes will have to be negotiated.

Regardless of what we might individually believe, it is a historical and evidential fact that humans are not perfect and that we often reach an impasse with others that we are not able to work out. The impasse can arise for many reasons. The most common denominator of disputes is that there was not a mature person present to avoid or work out the dispute as the transaction was evolving. Both side were huddled within their own ego-centric shell trying to look out for their or their own constituency’s best interest with much less regards to the interests of the other side.

However, as a general rule, all conflicts can be avoided if one or both parties are mature enough to avoid it or skilled enough to work it out at the very beginning when the issues are small and more easily accommodated.

All conflicts can be resolved If both sides are willing to work on it.

A conflict is defined as a disagreement between two parties over the satisfaction of wants/needs. One or both parties have control over some resources capable of satisfying the other party’s personal wants/needs. By withholding those resources, for whatever reason, one party or the other is able to deny/thwarts the other party’s aspiration to satisfy their own wants/needs. Sometimes, in a dispute, one party or the other has the problem, because one side has the means of satisfying a want or need and they aren’t. The party that has the means of satisfying the other party’s wants/needs isn’t doing so for reasons of their own. They don’t necessarily have a problem except that the other party wants something they are not willing to give.

Sometimes both parties have a problem, because each side controls what the other wants. The reasons for not giving the other party want they want can vary, but mostly is boils down to that it costs the party that owns it too much to give it. Thus, to be induced to surrender it, they must receive something of equivalent value in exchange. This swapping of something of value for something else of value gets to the heart of all disputes. Thus, most disputes get resolved via some sort of negotiation between giving and receiving.

Despite the scope and magnitude of the conflict, where it be a lover’s quarrel or the Middle East Crisis, all conflicts can be resolved. The bigger one will simply take more time to find a solution that has not been found yet that allows both sides to emerge as winners - and get their needs satisfied.

The only difference between the size of the conflict and its resolution is the time it takes to reach an agreement.

In summary, if everyone could find a way to satisfy of their wants and needs in many alternative ways, there would never be any conflict, just because one party has one way to satisfy it and refused to give it. People in this situation would just go to another source. This ideal world is like having more than one grocery store in town. If one store is out of a person’s favorite cereal, they can solve the problem of the shortage by shopping at another store. Or, it the person has several favorite types of cereal, and one brand is out, they simply substitute for another favorite. If the world operated like this, there would never be a cause for conflict in the first place.

Interestingly, the world does operate just like this most of the time. While people have many wants and needs, which often come into conflict with others, there are many different ways to satisfy them. The reason people don’t substitute or shop at another store as a means to avoid or resolve potential conflict themselves can be summarized as simply a lack of maturity. We often get stuck in our own irrational thinking, allowing our toxic ego to take control and issue such combative thoughts as “its not fair”, “they’re trying to take advantage of me”, “this shouldn’t happen”, “they owe it to me”, or “if they loved me, they would want to give me what I want”.

There is really not good reason for conflict, but it happens anyway.

The mature person avoids conflict.

This a good place to interject the distinction between a want and a need, the absence of the satisfaction of either can be a source of conflict. A need is something that a person truly needs for physical, mental, and spiritual health. A want is something that a person thinks will serve as the means of satisfying for satisfying these human needs. Thus, the difference between wants and needs is that the latter (needs) is a ends and the former (wants) is the means for satisfying the ends (needs). As an example, a man wants a red, convertible sports car, but what he really needs is more social approval, self-esteem, and self-expression and escape from boredom. Note that there are fewer ways to satisfy the want…the sports car, and they all likely expensive. On the other hand, there are many ways to satisfy the underlying needs behind the want.

When people really know what they need, they will find that there is a vast network of options for satisfying it. Most people get sucked into a conflict situation, because they are dealing with wants rather than their true needs. If people were aware of their needs, they could find many other alternatives for satisfying them. So, if one source of fulfillment were blocked, they would just seek another source of fulfillment.

Five reasons why being good at resolving conflict is important:

1. There will be conflict, and it normally continues until it is resolved. Conflict does not get better by avoiding it. Life is better when you get along with people than when you don’t.

2. Conflict induces negative stress, drains energy/vitality, and reduces your peace of mind.

3. You might discover creative resolutions that make both sides better off than before the dispute. Win-win solutions do exist but they must be found.

4. You will be more aggressive in seeking what you want in life if you know you can handle any conflicts that might arise as a result of possible dispute that might arise in their dispute.

5. Conflict resolution is an opportunity to grow in wisdom and maturity.

If you don’t want to resolve conflict, then just say so. Most arguments are finally resolved by resolving the core issues of the disagreement. The only way to get the best of an a disagreement/conflict is to avoid it.

Conflict Resolution Methodology - A 3-step process

Step 1 - Identifying the conflict before it gets out of hand

Identifying your needs & issues
Identifying other party’s needs & issues
Identify why the separate needs are at odds.

Step 2 - Resolving Conflict

Finding win/win solutions, workable compromises, middle ground

Step 3 - Finalizing the agreement & shaking hands on it.

Sources of conflict:

· Other people

· Human fallibility

· Relationships

· Business dealings

· Social contracts

· Mistakes

· Problems

· Accidents

· Miscommunication, misinterpretation, misperception, and misunderstanding

· Differences of opinion and values

· Difference interests (A wants X, and B wants Y).

· Difficult people

· Irrational thinking/beliefs

· Competition

· Ego

Types of Conflict:

1. Non-recurring (single incident, event, situation) versus Recurring and Chronic

2. Monetary versus non-monetary (people, behavior, performance, etc.)

3. Few participants versus many participants

Human mistakes are a source of conflict:

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. To get anything worthwhile done, a few mistakes will be made long the way. Bishop WC Mager

People are always in the process of correcting past mistakes. No action is perfect so we spend a lot of time correcting them. Warren Bennis & Burt Nanus (Leadership)

Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. Results from what we do are the lessons we need to learn whether we get what we seek or not. Oscar Wilde

Human problems are a the source of conflict:

· We will never be without problems. Life is a succession of problems. Dr. Theodore Rubin

· We all have problems, and we will always have problems. Humans have problems, because our wants exceed our grasp. John E. Newman

· Enjoy your challenges because you will have many of them. We will always have challenges so we might as well find a way to enjoy solving them. Dave Pelzer

· Focusing ones attention on the highest ends best solves problems. All solutions are means to achieve a higher-order end. Scott Thorpe

Unlimited human wants and needs are a source of conflict:

· Humans are the only animals who have problems…and are able to solve them. Animals have needs that are satisfied by their instincts. Humans have wants that are satisfied by their thinking Charles Sooter

Human laziness is a source of conflict:

· Human inertia is tenacious. People prefer to expend less energy rather than more. We take short cuts that sometimes cause problems with others. John Hanley

Solutions are a source of conflict:

· Nothing quite new is perfect. There are still small bugs to be worked out of all newly minted solutions. Cicero

Misperception is a source of conflict:

· A sense of unfairness just means that one does not understand the bigger picture of God's intentions. Doyle Surratt

· Perspective changes how you view your circumstances. Doyle Surratt

· How we frame what happens to us determines what we do about it. Patricia Wiklund

· There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. It is easier to change how you look and think about events than it is to change the events themselves. William Shakespeare

· Errors in thinking lead to errors in living. George Wood

· "Shoulds" lead to procrastination since people resist what is forced upon them. Mick Ukleja

False assumptions are a source of conflict:

· If your views and assumptions of reality are flawed, then your strategies for success are also probably flawed. Scott Adams

· Continually reexamine your assumptions, because most of them are flawed, incomplete, or completely wrong. Confirm your assumptions, as they are barriers to moving in certain directions. Dennis Waitley

Negative Emotions are a source of conflict:

· Every type of negative feeling results from a specific kind of negative thought. David Burns

· Negative talk and negative opinions give a bad impression. Les Giblin

Activities with downside risks are a source of conflict:

· It's a good practice to define what can go wrong and plan for it ahead of time Marti Smye.

· Something unexpected always happens to spoil a good trend. Scott Adams

· The majority of risks we take are social risks. We are afraid of looking foolish, being wrong, or feeling rejected. Merrill Douglas

· Some outcomes cannot be predicted until they happen. Action forces a potential outcome to reveal itself. Scott Thorpe

Low Self-Esteem is a source of conflict:

· Low self-esteem means friction and trouble. A starved ego is a mean ego. Les Giblin

· Conflict goes bad when our ego is wounded, and we are made to feel we are not good enough. Doyle Surratt

Stress is a source of conflict:

· Stress is not due to circumstances but our reaction to it. Jim Smoke

Relationships are a source of conflict:

· The most desired and valuable gift you can give another is focused attention. Everyone is starving for attention and always joyfully receive it. Mick Ukleja

· Controversy never kills a relationship. Boredom kills a relationship. Mick Ukleja

· Our wants keep getting in the way of our relationships. Doyle Surratt

· Resolve a conflict but preserve a relationship. Mick & Louise Ukleja

· The quality of a relationship is defined by the amount of time spent together. Doyle Surratt

Work projects are a source of conflict:

· Whatever you intend to accomplish, there will be opposition. Doyle Surratt

Sin is a source of conflict:

· Bad people do bad things to good people. George Wood

· Procrastination is a sin. He who knows what to do and does not do it is a sinner. Mick Ukleja

· Selfish people are lonely people, because they are without friends. Mick Ukleja

Normal daily living is a source of conflict:

· All movement will cause some friction and stir some dust. Doyle Surratt

Addictions are a source of conflict:

· He who loves money, never has enough. Mick Ukleja

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