Margo Case Study

Case Studies - Margo

Margo's problem:
"Here's my problem, and I don't know how to solve it. I've been married for 5 years now. In the beginning, my husband treated me very lovingly. Over the years, he seems to have grown distant, almost indifferent. He just don't seem to love my any more. I don't know what to do. I really want things to be like they were when we were first married. Any suggestions on how to solve this problem?"

Dear Margo,
What you describe is truly a problem, because you want to restore a desirable condition that once existed - a "husband that treats you lovingly". Problems like this develop when the previous input factors that supported the prior condition (that you now desire to restore) drift and change into the new factors that support the current conditions. The only way to restore the condition you seek (husband that treats you lovingly) is to restore the input conditions that previous existed (when your husband did treat you lovingly). Sometimes, restoring earlier conditions are impossible to do as those conditions are non-repeatable. People and situations change irreversibly. However, this doesn't mean your problem is unsolvable. It is still possible to modify the current input factors that are feeding the current condition. If you want different outcomes, you must modify the current conditions that are causing the outcome you have now. More specifically, you must reframe the problems into one where the focus is on the input factors that you can control. If you can't control the input factors that are necessary for the conditions that you want to create or recreate, then the problem truly is unsolvable. Since this is a relationship problem between a husband and wife, both have significant control on the quality of the relationship. So, there is much that you alone can do to solve this problem (or collectively if you both went into marriage counseling). You want your husband to treat you lovingly; you don't know how to get him to do so. In other words, you need to figure out what changes you can make about yourself to become the person that will attract what you want in life... to become the kind of person that your husband will want to treat lovingly.

What input factors do you control? What factors are currently missing and if present could produce the condition you desire (a husband that treats you lovingly). What are these input factors you may ask? There are probably many of them. You may need to experiment and see what behaviors of yours will best stimulate in your husband the behavior you want in return. I would summarize your problem like this. You are frustrated because you don't know how to relate to your husband in ways where he responds lovingly in return. If restoring this loving relationship is important to you, then you will make an effort to find new input factors that will yield the conditions you seek. The solution to your problem is the flip side of the problem. You will solve your problem when you...find new ways to relate to your husband so that he responds lovingly to you in return. By new ways to relate, I mean adding more loving and caring behaviors and eliminating some of the unloving and uncaring behaviors that have caused your husband to become distant and indifferent. You probably already know which of your behaviors are "turn-ons" and which are "turn-offs". The more of nurturing behaviors you add and the more toxic behaviors you subtract, the more you create the requisite conditions for your husband to treat you more lovingly. You need to remember the kind of person you were when your husband used to treat you lovingly and become that person again. The rest is up to him.