Self-Management Tools

Everyone has the power to decide what they are going to think. In almost any situation, thinking that has these qualities will lead to better outcomes"

The more thought you put into pending a decision, the better the decision is likely to be...up to a point. Then beyond that point, you begin procrastinating...using thinking as an excuse not to get started. You need to think enough to get yourself started in a direction. - any direction. What you need to know, you will discover as you go. Once you take action, one thing is for certain, you will get results. From the results, you learn both about your direction and the difficult in getting there. You many decide to change your direction. You may decide to change how you are going to get there. But the value of results is that it gives you vital information on what needs to be done next. One step leads to the next. You practically learn how to make the journey by taking the journey. The job teaches you how to do.

The combination is to cyclically think and act (work) your way to where you want to go. Think a little, then act a little. Repeat the process. No one every reaches great success by waiting for someone to tell them what and how to do what they can decide for themselves. Most people fear to act because they want to avoid mistakes. Mistakes is just a label for results. The results present clues as to what one needs to do next. Thus, the only real failure is the failure to get started. In fact, an early start is preferred. Call it gathering information about the job that needs to be done. Thinking needs feedback to as a source of input to guide the project to its conclusion. So action and thinking go hand in hand.

Reframing
You emotions stem from your thinking. If your thoughts are producing negative emotions, then you need to think different thoughts. Specifically, you need to find a way to view the world differently. There is hidden power in the ability to reframe anything that happens to you. Suppose you are expecting one thing and get another that falls far short of the initial expectation. Stress is the natural result when results fall short of expectations. Rather than just sitting there and feeling stressful, take an active role in controlling your response to the situation. Don't let the initial framing of the situation continue to cause you grief. Your grief is simply due to the fact that you expected X and got Y instead. You could respond with disappointment, frustration, anger, depression, and any other of dozens of negative emotions. Or...you could respond by reframing the event in such as way as to give yourself more choices.

Anything negative that happens to you can be reframed into something more positive with an action possibility associated with it. Anything that happens can be a positive source of joy if we but view it from another angle. Take for example a situation of not getting a job that you interviewed for that you felt would have been a perfect fit. You feel terribly disappointed. However, you resolve to reframe the situation. First, you might realize that there are jobs in the workplace that would be ideal for you. Second, all you need to find out is what other qualifications you need to get one of these jobs. So, instead of mopping about the loss, you see the action possibilities inherent in the situation. The action is to gather more information. You can call back the interviewer and ask for feedback on your qualification shortages. Ask if they know of other companies with jobs similar to the one they were hiring for. By reconsidering the situation you initially thought was terrible, you reframe it as an opportunity to make yourself more qualified and hence develop a greater chance of getting the job of your dreams the next time.

Everything that happens can become as source of joy if we take the time to find the silver lining by reframing our situation into something positive.

Be Aware of Your Awareness
Are you aware of what you are aware of? Most people aren't remotely aware of what they are doing, because they are too involved in doing it. Most people are just living in the moment and responding/coping as best they can based on their traditional habits and learned behavioral scripts. Most people are only aware of their awareness a minuscule portion of their life, most often during crisis or deeply emotional states both positive and negative when the normality of their life is interrupted. During these turbulent times, when your negative emotions are engaged, the best way to reverse them is to reframe your thoughts. You can re-energize your ability to respond appropriately to your situation and cope effectively simply by becoming aware of your awareness. You will then know what thoughts you need to change.

What does it mean to be aware of your awareness? Very simply, it means that you are currently tuned into what you are thinking and telling yourself at the moment. You are highly sensitized as to the hidden values and rules of engagement that are directing your decisions in your current predicament. In this heightened state of awareness, you are watching yourself in action, almost like an "out of body" experience. At this point, you are able to see the bigger picture of what's driving you to do what you are inclined to do. The value of heightened awareness is that you can catch yourself in midstream in an unfolding drama and give yourself fresh instructions to respond differently. Instead of acting like a group of musicians playing solo, you can step into the role of the orchestra leader and begin to direct the various instruments to play in harmony.

Awareness promotes change...both a change of ends (where you are going) and means (how you intend to get there). Thus, the key to behavior and personality change is to change your awareness first. To change awareness, all you need is a reminder to do so. Then, once your awareness is activated and begin to take management control over the situation, you have the power to change. First, stop the action, and second, take time to think about where you are going, why you are going there, and whether the route you are taking is going to take you wherever it is you want to go. Every once in a while, everyone needs to take time out of their busy life to become aware of the bigger picture and how they fit into it.

Negative thoughts cannot produce positive results. Some people just seem to have a pessimistic nature who doubt that good can come from anything. I don't want to be one of these people, because I believe that negative thoughts cannot produce positive results. I tend to believe the words of the Buddha who said, "From evil must come evil and from good must come good." In practical terms, this philosophy suggests that positive thoughts and actions tend to produce positive results, and negative thoughts and actions tend to produce negative results. If you believe in the law of cause and effect, then every effect is due to its cause, and for every cause, there is an effect. There is a powerful linkage between whatever is precedent and what is antecedent.

The logic is similar when applied to thought, belief, or intent. One's intent has a strong bearing on the outcome. So, if you want good things to come to you - some people might call this the power of attraction - then you must send out supporting thoughts in advance so as to influence the course of events. Naturally, by having positive thoughts, you will be inclined to take positive actions that align with those positive thoughts. Positive actions tend to be the leverage you need to get what you intend to get.

The next time you get a negative thought about the future you desire, take the time to manage this erroneous thinking flaw and convert the thought into its positive equivalent. Always lead the future with positive intentions and positive thoughts. And then, if you really want what you want, your motivation will induce you to follow up desire with positive actions. Happiness depends on the ability to engender positive emotions and to erase negative emotions.

Intention or Expectation
You are in control of your own life. You control your life by conscious intentions to take certain prescribed actions. Live by intention and not by expectation. There is a real and important difference between having an intention or an expectation. Intentions get us motivate to take an action but expectations set us up for a fall when when overcharge our emotions with the exact form in which our intentions are defined. There many be many ways to create an intention, but there is only one way to fulfill an expectations.

Here are my definitions and an explanation why knowing the difference between intention and expectation is important. Most emotional over-reactions are due to expectations not being fulfilled, almost like we are addicted to the precise form in which something was support to turn out. On the other hand, an intention is a long-commitment to an important outcome or end result without becoming overly attached to which specific method was used for its achievement. Thus, the key difference between an intention and an expectation is that intention is long-term and focused on the ends whereas expectation is short-term and focused on the means.

Since there are many ways to bring about a desired result, intentions can be achieved in a multitude of ways. There is no need to become attached to any one of the many means that might ultimately succeed. Just the opposite, an expectation is a fixation on one specific means, almost like a mental picture of how the result is to be achieved. Expectations too often lead to disappointment, frustration, and bitterness when the outcome does not become realized with the means expected. Instead of remaining pliant and flexible to trying other approaches, the person with expectations will often quit in disgust.

A person with intentions is willing to experiment with different approaches, trying one means or another until the desired result is achieved. Conquest of an intention may take longer, because one is using failure of one means as feedback to adjust their plans. The person with an intention is prepared to try new approaches if the first one chosen is not working, and will continue to abandon the ones that don't work until they find the approach that does work. Failure is seen as discarding what doesn't work in favor what does. Failure is just a temporary outcome.

One is better off replacing expectations with intentions. Remain firm in what you want but be flexible is how it is attained.

One cannot full control the results they work towards in the real world. They can only control the effort that they put into it. If I take some action with an intention or an expectation of a desired result, I will get results, but not necessarily the result I desire. The problem arises when I get emotionally attached to the results I desire. When I "put in my time", I expect to get a decent payback, and when I don't, I sometimes get upset. Yesterday was a good example of not getting the results I had expected when my 95 year father refused to get a haircut, because his favorite barber wasn't there. I drove two hours to get to his residence to handle the chores he can't do on his own as he no longer drives and uses a walker to get around. His hair hadn't been cut in months. In short, he was uncooperative and combative. In his mental framework, he was living in the past as if he were as independent as he used to be. Needless to say, I allowed myself to get so frustrated that I had to "escape" from the situation, so I left for home early without eating dinner with him.

I was disappointed more in myself than him. Not only was I unable to handle him and his temperament, but I was unable to handle my own emotions. I had done damage to myself by having expectations in the first place and refusing to let "it" go. Instead, I pushed him to do things I thought were important to him. I lost out to his stubbornness. A 95 year old man is like a mule, you can't make them do what they don't want to do.

On the drive home, I was fuming. But on sober reflection, I realize that I cannot control other people, including those who are mentally impaired or diminished. So, today, in quiet reflection, I am reminded about what I already knew but forgot at the very moment when I needed the wisdom most. I can only control my intentions, in this case good intentions to help my father, but that I cannot control the outcome. To allow myself to get upset by results is not only childish, but stress producing, not only to myself but to my father. I am reminded again how important it is to rise above our desire for results and to put our energies into controlling our intentions. Unfortunately in this instance, rather than having benign intentions, I had supercharged expectations of how the day would go, so when it didn't go the way I expected, I got upset. I need to take more council of what I know.

Self-Management Tools - Thinking